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A life worth giving?
“To fall is to sin. To stay fallen and not try to get up is devilish.”
I was told this during a confession once. I had been talking about some sins I struggle with that have been negatively affecting my mothering. Fears, passions, habits. My confessor told me this to comfort me. To encourage me. In mothering my children, I will struggle. But I must strive to not give up in that struggle. The struggling is good. It is a part of our salvation. “To fall is to sin. To stay fallen and not try to get up is devilish.”
It is both a humbling and scary thought that the life I lead is what I give to my children. Afterall, I know my weaknesses and there are many. I do not wish to pass them to my children, but it seems inevitable. My confessor agreed with me; the life that I lead is what I give to my children. But there is hope in this. He told me that it is the habits I have, the fears I confess, the passions I express…what I demonstrate is what I give. My spiritual struggle as a mother is to not indulge these.
He spoke to me about this particularly in regards to some fears I have. He told me that I need to not pass on these fears to my children. It is my duty as a mother to protect my children from my fears. Not that they will not struggle with any fears themselves, but I need to teach them to trust in God through my example. Although I may not overcome these fears, I can choose not to indulge them. I can choose not to express them. And in doing so, I not only teach my children to trust in God but I am actively battling against my fears.
It is hard being a mother. It is hard just being human! But the unique position of the full time caretaker is that you are constantly being observed. That is draining. The struggles that one normally has just by oneself can seem so much more burdensome when eyes are constantly watching. But, on the other hand, this is a very, very blessed position to be in because it gives you consistent motivation outside of yourself to encourage you in those struggles. My children, just by being my children, are helping me fight spiritual battles. I can choose to strive to strengthen my little army, guiding them through example to trust and obey God, or I can choose not to and face the consequences. Although I cannot guarantee that my children will have faith, I can, through the acting grace of God, equip them with the tools to be saints. And, then, well, the choice is theirs.
So I will continually pray, Lord Jesus Christ Son of God, have mercy on us sinners. Help me to struggle and, when I do fall, give me the strength to stand up and fight again.
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I heard it said by a Franciscan that turning away from sin after falling into sin is a work of the law. That really struck me because I often think that the sin is just me utterly failing as a Christian; but the real failure would be not to repent. Christ transformed all of this, and will forgive us as many times as we turn to him. Christianity is perfected in this struggle and it does not make things hopeless.
I hope that makes sense. It’s a hard concept to get across. I am not advocating sin!
That is essentially the same concept that is presented in the idea ‘to fall is to sin. To not get up is devilish.” Afterall, is not repentance a ‘getting up’ of sorts in which we admit our failures, ask for God’s mercy and grace and continue to struggle on the path of salvation?
I may not have clearly laid out the distinction, but in my confession, Metropolitan Nikkitas was trying to speak to me regarding the peculiar position of motherhood. He was not saying that a mother has to strive to be perfect, but that it is a mother’s duty to strive to not pass on her sins. To struggle to not present fears; to struggle to not be envious or whatever sins the particular mother struggles with the most. Of course, she will not be perfect; and that is where repentance and Christ’s mercy will come in. Afterall, does not love conquer all?
However, it is important to remember that as parents we are our children’s teachers. We are to be examples and I would argue that it is not appropriate to display all of our vulnerabilities to our children. As they grow into adults, it is different.
My main point in this blog, though, was to show what a blessing children are in that they give us hope and purpose in what can sometimes be a very difficult struggle. Children mirror there parents and if parents strive to present to their children virtue and love, through Christ’s mercy they will see beauty, goodness and truth reflected back. How awesome is that?